It has happened many a times that I felt like Antonio, I was sad just without assuming any reason whatsoever. And many times, I found Bassanio coming to my rescue, pulling me out of the vacuum of life. The sadness for no reason was not a pleasing effect.
However, it gave me an insight to what I have done over the years. In 22 years, I did never find myself lost in the desert, since, people at home made sure, I was always supported. Since, I've been very much attached to my family, I've been kind of a baggage which they are forced to carry. I look up to them when I am down, and they are left with no option other than helping me out. After many re-assessments, I feel my mirror was unclear due to be curtains, I put across them. I no longer feel like Antonio, he was lost in the crowd, and turned into a Shylock, the beast, disguised as Antonio. I had to rush for cover, where my identity is not revealed. I'll runaway to a place where people around would not find who I am, nor would they bother whether, I'm Antonio or Shylock...
Since, the first time, I came to know about Shylock, the Jew, I admired his persona, his dedication, sincerity and all other such qualities associated with him. But, now I am sorry for my admiration which panned out to be a drug, which I was getting addicted to slowly. My nature has turned to a silent killer, the saboteur who threw away his conscience at a time when it needed water, food and light to grow up.
I was tracked down long before I could decide upon a plan to run into hiding, and summoned in the court of law, where I was uncovered by Portia and the Shylock was shown his real face, the ugly face which he himself was hiding from. The revelation, however, brings joy, since, I have a better understanding of myself. My perception of the fear, that everyone portrayed with me, as love made me a wild animal.
My belief that we are to pay for our crimes in this life itself, has been proved right, in what I would call the journey in search of my soul.
June 01, 2009
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